Guilt in the corners

If I admit the truth, there is some guilt nestling right at the very back of my mind. Most of the time I do very well at ignoring it but sometimes I let it creep in. Sometimes the guilt twinges.

I haven't blogged about my mother in a while, I haven't spoken to her in longer. But there is some guilt and sadness that things have turned out the way they have. That's not to say I want to go back. Right now, I can't see that ever happening. I and we are so much happier without her in our lives.

But I feel guilty because she carried me like I carry embie, she must have had hopes for me, like I hope for embie, she must have watched over me as I slept, like I will watch over embie. In her own way (and obviously it wasn't a normal way), she tried to bring us up and she tried to love us.

I don't know if she knows if we are pregnant. I have never told her but she may have heard on the grapevine. And I do wonder if she will try to get back in touch once the baby is born. And I don't know what my reaction will be to that. It would be harsh to send back a card (if one arrived) wishing us well but a card will turn into a present, which will turn into a phone call, which will get me right to where I was.

I am sitting here trying to think what my therapist would say. That it's OK to be sad when we have lost someone but that guilt is a useless emotion? That this is the choice we have made, and we know why we have made it? That I could back if I wanted, all I need to do is punch some numbers in a phone? That I could 'fix' in two seconds it if I wanted.

But I don't want it. I don't want to go back to being that person. Ever. I don't want embie to see me as that person. I don't want her to treat embie like she treated me. I want embie to grow up being loved by the people that love him/her, not being manipulated and deceived as a false pretence for love. I want my relationship with Mr F not be tainted by her in any way. I want my relationship with my sister to not be based on pulling each other through, but on the love and respect we have for each other as people rather than as her victims.

So maybe the sadness and guilt are useless emotions. They need acknowledging and then they need to be burned at the stake : )

She did carry me, she did hope for me, she did watch over me and she loved me in her own way. But somewhere in there, something was very seriously wrong. And I can't fix that for her. I can only live in the best way that I can, for me, for Mr F and our baby.