DS - three month update

Our little man is well and truly a part of our lives now. I barely believe I was actually pregnant or even that there was life before he arrived. He has completed our family in so many ways and is so unbelievably gorgeous. Life does not stop, not even through the night : ) and not even when you think he might just be asleep...

Got to dash... Our son is calling...

DS

Our little man shortly after he was born. So very gorgeous.

Updates and random thoughts...

So everything's going well. DS is going from strength to strength, putting on weight and changing all the time. He's absolutely gorgeous, and melts everyone's hearts. Mr F is pretty much back at work (rubbish!) but we've had lots of help from relatives, which has been lovely. Next week might be a little bit of a test as everyone will have gone home but I'm sure we'll be fine.

We've met our health visitor, who seems really nice and was completely taken with DS. He made a typical fertile person comment - "I know lots of people who had IVF, but they all got pregnant with their second child straight away, no problems..." in a you just need to relax kind of way. Really pleased for them but not really relevant or useful to us or probably most people.

Thoughts of our struggles to get pregnant seem to be fast fading into the background. Almost like it wasn't us who went through that. I don't mean that I am ever going to forget what we went through, but it doesn't really matter anymore. We've got there and I love our son to pieces.

We seem to have had a few "future" discussions this week. Should we move to be closer to our relatives? Are we going to go back and use our other embryos? If so, when are we going to do it? It seems mad to be thinking of it so soon (right now, going back to trying to get pregnant is the last thing I want to do emotionally and physically). But I'm not getting any younger and HD is always on the horizon. If we're going to use those embryos, we haven't got the luxury of waiting for as long as I might want to.

And what about having a son via egg donation? At the moment, this isn't something that has faded. I am very aware of how grateful I am someone whose kindness knows no bounds. I remember that he's egg donation when people comment on whether he looks like me or mr F. And when I look at him, sometimes I wonder about her. Is that her hair or her eyes? What about those beautiful long fingers? Where did they come from? These aren't negative thoughts, they're just curiosities and musings of the origins of our son. I do not doubt that he is our child, mine and Mr F's. It is my breast that he feeds from, it is our voices that he responds to, us who try to soothe him...

At home with our son

Fantastically, we're home and out of hospital. It is the loveliest thing in the world, being at home together, waking up at home together, watching your son sleep on your husband (at home, together).

But the last week has been both pretty traumatic and totally amazing.

We spent six days in hospital after complications both with me both and our little boy. Labour went really well, I spent alot of it in the water - either at home, or in the hospital. I used the breathing techniques and positions we had learned about in the various classes, trying to stay upright and mobile. But just as I was fully dilated, our boy's heart rate dropped. At some point during labour, he had turned and was now lying spine to spine. And they needed to get him out.

We went through to a different room for the delivery. I had to lie on the bed whilst they used the forceps to get him out. Oh my god, it was horrible. A fourth degree tear and a baby struggling to breathe. He was on my stomach for maybe 30 seconds before they had to whip him away to get him breathing. I watched as they tried to jump start his system, praying for the colour to return to him, praying that I'd hear him cry or see him move. And at the same time, they're telling me about the tear. It's not good they say, they've got to get me to theatre now. And they're giving me the details about the procedure, but our boy still wasn't right.

I spent the next two hours in theatre and I didn't see him again for six hours, I didn't hold him again for even longer. Luckily the midwife brought me an update - he was doing ok, he'd pulled out the vent before they'd even got to the end of the corridor. He'd had loads of tests done, she showed me a piece of paper with lots of numbers on. I didn't have a clue what she was showing me but she said it was ok, that he'd be ok and that she'd tell Mr F. Poor Mr F, he couldn't go with me, he couldn't go with our son. He thought I'd be away for one hour but I didn't come out for 2. He called our relatives to let them know what was going on but he wasn't really sure whether either of us would be ok...

I think they brought Mr F to me 20 mins or so after the procedure had finished. I spent that whole 20 minutes trying to watch both the doors at once, watching for him. And desperate to see him. He'd managed to spend some time with our son, he'd fed him and brought me pictures so I could see. He was in an incubator but was going to be ok. He was breathing. He was doing fine.

So we were in for six days, me because of the tear and our son because of the infection he'd picked up. They moved him quite quickly into a lower risk ward, and after a day, I was able to start expressing milk for him and later breastfeeding him. I moved off the ward and into a private room, and he joined me for our final two days.

And now we're home. Our little boy is sleeping, snug under his blanket, completely oblivious to the stress and trauma of our struggles to bring him into the world. Just as it should be. He's so clever (picking up breastfeeding at breakneck speed), relaxed and charming (winning over even the sulkier nurses and midwives in the hospital). He is truly the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen.

Woohoo! Our new arrival...

Our little boy arrived at the weekend. He is truly gorgeous and absolutely perfect. He weighed 6 13 and has the biggest mass of hair you've ever seen. The delivery itself was really quite traumatic and we're both still in hospital recovering. But we're on the mend and hopefully will be home in the next few days. Will blog more when i can. In the meantime, i can finally answer the question of was it worth it with a resounding yes. All our difficulties are fading fast as we get to know our son. Our beautiful little boy. X

Baby engaged

Had a midwife appointment this afternoon - with our new midwife : ) Embie is now head down, fully engaged, and facing the right way.

I'm guessing labour could probably still be a while off but it's nice to know embie's as ready as we are.

New friends, old history

We've met some really lovely people through our NCT antenatal classes, and I am really looking forward to getting to know them better and spending time with them whilst we are all off on maternity leave at the same time (they're all due in October too). Maybe they won't be friends for life (who knows) but they'll be good friends to help support us through the birth and early days of embie.

At the moment, none of them know about our journey and I find myself half wanting to tell them (I don't really know why, perhaps to see if anyone else went through the same, perhaps as some weird badge of honour). But half of me doesn't want to tell them because in a way it doesn't really matter any more. Well, it will begin to matter if/when we go back for our frozens but now, in the situation we're in, it doesn't matter a jot.

It's kind of refreshing that it doesn't matter anymore and hopefully it will continue not to matter whether we tell or not.